Why the #*@$ would you play Monopoly??

Seriously, throw that game into the ocean.

I love games. I think one of the purest forms of bonding is by playing a game with friends and family. It’s a special kind of evening to set up a board game, get snacks and drinks ready, then spend an evening strategizing and laughing with friends and family.

That being said…

Monopoly is a cancer on the gaming community. It’s built to be aggressive and break friendships. It indirectly promotes cheating. The game had roots in promoting Georgism and the ownership of labor but the Charles Darrow & Parker Brothers did a full 180 and made it about making money, owning property, and making your friends homeless.

The History

Elizabeth Magie designed the precursor to Monopoly called The Landlord’s Game. The original intent of the game was to teach players the tenants of Georgism, which I’ve pulled the definition from Wikipedia and placed below this paragraph. Elizabeth filed two separate patents for her version of the game; first in 1904, then again in 1924. Meanwhile the game was taught, copied, and spread around the eastern United States. The years of playing and home ruling formed many aspects of the game we know today, like auctioning property when no one purchases it and the images on the Electric and Water companies. Eventually Charles Darrow took the patent for his version of the game to Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers, who both rejected it until news of it selling well during the holidays reached them. At that point Parker Brothers picked up the game and made some adjustments.

Georgism, also called in modern times Geoism,and known historically as the single tax movement, is an economic ideology holding that people should own the value that they produce themselves, while the economic rent derived from land—including from all natural resources, the commons, and urban locations—should belong equally to all members of society.

If you want to learn more about the history in detail, please check out the Wikipedia page here. It’s pretty interesting and occasionally disheartening.

Why This Game is Bad

There’s your history lesson. You’ve eaten your vegetables, now it’s time to enjoy the hearty, flavorful steak that is my take down of this horrible game.

First off, the best part of any Monopoly game is picking your piece. That’s a huge red flag right there, the BEST PART is picking your piece? It’s not even that great because I never get to be the dog. Then the game begins, you start rolling, and everyone buys up property. Ha ha fun times right?

WRONG

It’s been fourteen hours. The properties are gone. You’re sitting on two thirds of a full monopoly you’ll never complete because Mark or Cindy or freaking ANYBODY refuses to make deals with you. Game night is ruined and I’ve lost three to five friends.

Most of the issues people cite about Monopoly were addressed by the higher ups at Parker Brothers when Darrow first pitched the game. Time Limit rules were added because the way Monopoly plays out the box can take literally six to eight hours to play. Six to eight hours of monotonous, soul-draining money pointless money exchange and dice rolling. For reference most modern board game provide more engagement and player to player interaction within a 3-4 hour time frame, and that includes set up.

The politics of trading become a huge issue as well. Most games don’t allow for swapping what you’ve procured because that keeps the game balanced. When you trade properties, cash, or houses and hotels, you’ve shifting the power between the powerful and never giving the little people a chance to catch up. It’s the same reason I don’t play Pandemic, we’re already living that, why play it? It’s also the same reason I don’t pay taxes or brake at stop lights. Let the little guy live his life!

Also, according to the rules as written, you can collect rent, buy and sell properties, and even buy houses while in Jail. Why the hell is Jail even a thing? So you can pay $50 or be stuck in one space on the board? Feels like another way the rich ignore the rules while the poor man suffers in a hellhole designed by capitalism.

This game is stupid, you shouldn’t buy any copies, and any copies you do have should be thrown into the ocean. Which brings us to the first advice portion of this blog post…

How to Throw Monopoly into the Nearest Ocean

You’ll have to find the nearest body of water that isn’t a lake or a river. You may be wondering why not a lake or a river, and I’ll tell you to shut the hell up. The ocean is vast, unknown, and probably filled with Cthulhu monsters so they’ll gobble this shitty game up no problem.

Now that your copy of monopoly is safely eaten by a hammerhead shark, what game will replace that shelf space? Read on you doofus, I’m trying to tell you but you keep reading this rambling sentence Blake wrote as a bit and forgot to remove on his edit phase.

Games you should play instead of Monopoly

Wingspan

It’s similar to Monopoly in that you collect themed cards and build an empire. The key difference is you’re collecting particular birds to generate an engine to produce eggs instead of properties. The ultimate goal in Wingspan is to collect eggs that then become points. Points are the only thing you should hoard in a board game. Also pretty bird pictures.

Munchkin

You want to be a jerk to your friends? Munchkin is a far better system with an attainable endgame. This has built in card swapping in “Charity”, has semi established home rules that everyone agrees on, and has hilarious monster puns like Maul Rat and the Squidzilla. Similar to Monopoly having themed versions (Dog, College, and various Pop Culture Monopolies) Munchkin offers several more niche versions to enjoy (Scooby-Doo, Marvel, even Cthulu!).

Ticket to Ride

You want to play the American Dream? Build railways in a game that is competitive but still a chill time. Despite the board point tracker, you still won’t know for sure who will win thanks to cards you draw and keep secret. Also includes an elegant endgame mechanic that keeps the game from dragging on too long.

The Wrap Up

If you’ve read this far, I think you for your service. Jokes aside, Monopoly is a bad board game. A friend of mine recently revealed it is a “solved game”. That means there is one way to play and succeed every single time. How is that a game then? I also want to implore everyone reading to buy any other game from your local game store! If you buy their games they can get more games, and everyone wins.