What to Do When a Raccoon Locks You Out of Your Office
Embarrassing, but probably true.
Apologies for the strangeness of my post yesterday, I left my front door open while getting something out of my car and a raccoon and an opossum got into my house. Before I could stop them they got to my office, locked the door and were typing furiously on my laptop. All I could do was helplessy watch through the CCTV I installed for an eventual terrible documentary I’m going to make about my writing. Instead of wallowing in failure I choose to share my experiences to help you avoid the same fate as me.
Don’t panic
I know I’m quoting the Hitchhiker’s Guide but it is still solid advice. If you panic the wild animals may get scared and do something worse than post an article to your Substack. When I started to freak out and pounded on the door my frantic energy scared the opossum. Instead of playing dead like I expected it freaked out and threw my Bose speaker out the window that they apparently opened.
Not wanting to lose more possessions I walked away, counted to ten, and considered my options. There are wild animals in my office and needed to get them out. The best way to do that was to call animal control! Which was impossible due to my phone being locked in the office with the would-be bloggers. So the second solution came to me as I slowed my breathing.
Consider Their Wants or Needs
I know a little bit about possums and raccoons. I know they’re wild animals. I know being a wild animal means you take food whenever you can get it. I also know everything needs food. So I just had to figure out how to lure them out of my office with the right food.
I took out some fruits and vegetables I had just bought and placed them next to the office door. I backed away to make it seem safe but they continued to work. So I cooked up some chicken and placed that on a plate by the door. The smell of meat seemed to distract the raccoon but the opossum kept them on task. Knowing I had to break out the big guns I drove to McDonalds, bought a few combo meals, and placed them by the door. Now both the raccoon and opossum were looking at the door hungrily.
I was certain this was it. All I had to do was keep watch for the door to open a crack, then I could run in and grab my phone and call Animal Control. Then my doorbell rang. I ignored it assuming the guest would eventually leave, but the ringing became constant and I could not ignore it. I ran downstairs and swung the front door open only to find no one there.
I realized too late it was a trick when I went upstairs and saw all the food dragged into the office and being snacked on and tossed out the window. Which leads me to my final point.
They’re smarter than they look
My doorbell rang again, this time there was a man named Phil who was from Animal Control. It turns out a small army of raccoons, possums, and skunks had worked together to doorbell ditch me and neighbors called for help.
After Phil finished laughing at my error he walked me through how clever these animals actually are. Shout out to Phil for being so knowledgeable on the subject of critters that also publish articles, even if he was rude about my predicament.
It turns out that while raccoons are typically nocturnal, they do venture out during the day for food sources. They’re also considered more cunning than even foxes in certain situations. He also explained that the “playing possum” tactic is a learned behavior, and some might not pick up on the lesson. As he said that the opossum in my office turned to face us, Big Mac in his mouth, and he seemed to glare.
No thanks to Phil we finally got into my office when the racoon threw my phone at the handle to unlock it while they escaped out the window, leaving my office trashed with fast food wrappers and apple cores. Since I had my phone Phil insisted I Venmo him his payment, which seemed rude since he never actually helped.
So there you have it, an explanation and a bonus article! Hopefully these tips will help you if you’re in this situation. I look forward to working on my laptop again, it had to be taken in to be disinfected so I’m utilizing a computer in my local library. Support your local library, everyone!