What I'm looking for in a Mansion

Nothing too fancy. But nothing un-fancy either. Medium fancy.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get a mansion. I’m not even sure what constitutes a mansion, but I’ll figure that out when I need to. What I do know is what that hypothetical mansion needs to really be “Blake’s Mansion”. A “Chez Blake, if you will".”

A huge fireplace.

In my humble opinion, every mansion needs a huge fireplace. Not for warmth, though that would be a nice bonus. The fireplace needs to be huge so I can make dramatic statements in front of it. Or play Vaugner really loud while swirling a glass of brandy or cognac while staring into it. An expensive robe is negotiable.

Every uses shredders to dispose of sensitive documents. Lame, too office-culture. I’m taking all my old tax documents, pages of scribbled notes, and embarrassing selfies I printed out for some reason straight to the fireplace. I might even rig it so the flames leap like they’re hungry tigers when I throw papers into it.

Anywhere from two to five secret passageways.

If you think I’m going to walk from my massive bedroom overlooking the ominous hedge maze (stay tuned for that part of the article!) to the kitchen the standard hallway paths, you’re as foolish as you are attractive.

I’ll have to work with a contractor on this, but I’m thinking a fake book on a bookshelf that activates a hidden door, or I can install some sconces next to my massive fireplace that open the secret doors. I’ll also need a lighting person to make sure the passageways are dim for ambience, but lit enough that I don’t stumble for lack of light.

I’ll have someone keep it clean, but I’ll have those same people string up fake spider webs to cultivate the vibes. Oh! Maybe I’ll get a candelabra to light my way! Nah, I’ll just hold it for show and increase the lighting in the passageway. I don’t need the candle wax burning me as I navigate my poorly lit hallways.

A library large enough to need a rolling shelf ladder like in Beauty and the Beast.

I don’t read enough to require a library beyond the few bookshelves I have. But I also don’t need a mansion to run around in like Mystery Inc. Hm, I wonder if I should hire a crew of actors and a trained Great Dane to cosplay the Mystery Inc gang. I’d probably have to clear it with Warner Brothers if I filmed this script I wrote. What was I…oh yeah, the library!

The ladder seems awesome. I can climb halfway up, push off, roll along the shelves until it stops or I get bored. Maybe I can get two ladders and crash them into each other. Yeah, that’s a great idea! I’ll tape shovels to the ladders, make it like Battle Bots but with ladders! I’m going to be a great mansion owner.

I’ll probably need way more books than I have right now, but I don’t read enough to warrant that many books. I’ll certainly buy up any stock local independent bookstores have, or at least one of each book they have. I figure if I have the money for a mansion, buying a ton of books should be easy.

The layout is going to match the board game Clue.

I just want this so I can yell shit like “Colonel Mustard! In the Conservatory! With the candlestick!!” Every dinner party will be a chore for my friends, but I’ll be having a great time!

The tough part is the square footage required. if I stick to the classic clue board the mansion’s ground floor will have to span a few acres. I didn’t do any measuring or actual math, but I bet I’m right. I should also probably learn what a conservatory is. Maybe I can swap that for an extra lounge. I love to lounge. I’ve never conserved in my life.

This part ties in with the secret passages, since the game has those to get across the map fast. It’s been a long time since I’ve played Clue, I may be wrong on the passageway aspect.

Hedge maze.

Even though I mentioned it earlier. I already don’t really want one. It sounds like a lot of work. I’ve also seen The Shining. I may not be Jack Torrence but I’m not messing with a maze made of hedge.

To Zillow!

If I’m going to make this dream a reality I better start scoping real estate sites and figure out the price range. If I had an idea this good, I’m sure other weirdos with Substack accounts are already ahead of me. Have a fine week you dorks, I’m going to live somewhere with a wild amount of empty space and something like fifty ghosts.