Tips to Stay Cool This Summer
From a noted Hot Boy (not Sexy Hot, more Sweaty Hot)
It’s summer and the United States are once again the wasteland from every Mad Max movie. Portland, Oregon recently suffered it’s annual heatwave, and while I was drinking water as quickly as I could sweat it out I decided the world needs my knowledge. If you’re going to survive the next handful of heat waves you’ll want to check out my patented* tips to keep cool!
*I did take these to a patent office and they asked me to leave. They were actually pretty rude about it. In their defense I was yelling a lot.
Unlock your X-Gene and become a real life Iceman
If you’re not familiar with the X-Men, Marvel comics put out books about teams of humans with an “X-Gene” mutation that give them various powers and abilities. Some can read minds, others transform into hulking beasts, and others gain enhanced healing ability. One of the original five X-Men is uniquely buiklt to handle heat, and that’s Iceman.
No, not that Ice Man!
Yeah! That guy!
I didn’t read many X-Men comics growing up, but according to the internet he can lower the temperature of ambient water vapor in his immediate environment. His body temperature lowers as he uses his powers, I assume in an evolutionary method of keeping himself safe while using his powers.
So, like, do that. Activate your X-Gene and get ice powers. I think you can kick start them by eating excess red meat, or hanging out near working microwaves. Alternatively if you can activate fire powers, maybe the heat won’t bother you. I don’t know, I didn’t go to school for science crap.
Rent a walk-in from a local restaurant
Covid dealt a serious blow to restaurants, especially locally owned ones. The key reason anyone would eat out during the summer is for that sweet, crisp air conditioning. So why not take it one step further and rent out walk-in cooler space in a local restaurant? They’ll appreciate the additional income and you’ll enjoy a frosty studio apartment that will probably be larger than a typical New York apartment.
If you pay extra, I bet they’ll even let you eat the food they store in there! You will need to be aware of the lack of storage space. Also you’ll need to bring your own light I think. I haven’t actually been in a cooler since I worked at Food Lion in college. If you’re scared of getting locked in because of FX’s The Bear, don’t be. You only get locked in if your character has another season’s worth of development to go through.
Get shrunk down like in “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”
Yes, the technology hasn’t evolved much since 1989, but I bet the science is sound. For anyone who claims the shrink tech in Ant-Man is similar, they’re wrong. Hank Pym uses a particle that brings atoms closer to each other (I think). What Wayne Szalinski (Rick Moranis’ character) does is shoot a laser that sciences the kids to smaller size.
You may be asking yourself “Blake, how does making someone smaller make it cooler?” If you are asking this, stop talking to yourself, that’s my thing. I’m also going to explain in the next line. Have some patience, damn!
We all know heat rises. Thanks to shrinking technology you’re closer to the ground and further from the heat. Therefore, according to weird science, if you shrink down away from the heat and closer to the ground, you’re hanging out in a nice 67 degrees baby! Just watch out for hungry ants and bowls of Cheerios.
On a Serious Note
We’re having a lot of fun here. I’m writing incredible jokes, you’re paying me for the hard work I’m doing, but I do want to address how dire the situation is. Everytime I hear someone complain “It didn’t use to be this hot!” I have to fight the urge to explain to them we’re not getting the old temperatures. We’re never getting the old temperatures again.
If you want real tips to handle the heat on a personal level, try the following.
Do not exert yourself. If you can afford to, call out of work and stay at home.
Drink water and add electrolytes as needed. Avoid drinks that dehydrate you.
If it cools down at night, window fans pulling cool air in to keep your home cool.
Between humanity covering the planet, corporate expansion, and the planet’s natural cooling and heating process, we’re going to have abnormal weather now. That’s just how it is. The planet goes through natural cooling and warming cycles. Like with technology, humanity is speeding that process along and that’s affecting how the cliate operates.
Educate yourself on why it gets so hot. While it’s good to make sure you use less fuel, recycle, and operatre sustainably, the impact from day-to-day people on the climate is nothing. We need more wide-spread green energy, less production, and to hold massive corporations accountable. I don’t personally know how to do that, but I’m always looking to experts on the subject.
Below are some links to climate change information, and some groups you can join to at least help on a community level.
Wikipedia Link
How to volunteer and help
Keep Cool on a Budget
Thanks for Reading!
I always appreciate anyone and everyone who reads this silly Substack. I hope for once I’ve helped inform or even inspire my awesome readers! Don’t worry, next week will be pure silliness. Probably some crap about how the Avengers eat their pizza or why Gremlins should be in the Pokemon universe. Oh, I could make Gremlins a D&D race…