Time to Win Your Resolutions
It's all about victory, baby!
It’s a new year, and that means a new you. Today is the day we all start our resolutions made just hours ago. It’s time to improve ourselves!
Lame.
New Years resolutions are stupid. We always make them while drunk on camaraderie and booze and drugs before passing out on our friend’s pullout sofas or in the Uber on the way home. We’re making life changing decisions in the coldest, darkest days; like a mental blanket we pull around ourselves to keep out the dark thoughts.
Many publications will tell you how to achieve your goals over the next 365 days. I’m not doing that, because I’m not a huge dork. Instead, I’m going to do something even better.
I’m going to teach you how to WIN at your resolutions. Through a combination of loopholes, deceit, and fuzzy math you will be the best resolution keeper in your friend group. Since you’ll be the only one keeping the resolutions, it’ll make you the best person. At least for 2025. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Keep it Vague
Experts recently have been pointing out to achieve actionable goals you should set hard measurable success points. Which makes sense, that way you can tell what progress you’ve made, which inspires you further, it’s a positive cycle.
But that’s not what we’re doing here.
The following topics will be as vague as possible. That will help you argue you’ve done everything and other people can’t break down why it’s wrong. It’s tougher to disprove something than it is to prove it. That’s why I still haven’t caught the Tooth Fairy. That and they may not actually exist.
Lose Weight
This one is so easy it’s basically a gimme.
You tell people you want to “lose weight”. Let’s look at the word “lose”. It means to misplace, or even subtract. What’s easier to subtract than your home clutter? Clutter has a weight, it’s not floating around like helium. You subtract, or lose the clutter to a donation group and you’ve made your resolution! That weight is technically gone!
If you want to keep your clutter we can pivot to trickery, or as I like to call it, “lying”. You can lie to yourself and keep adjusting your at-home scale to show a lower number. If you have the ability, utilize a forced perspective so that anytime your friends see you they see you literally smaller and therefore lighter, double-therefore, you’ve lost weight! If it worked for Lord of the Rings, it can work for you!
You can buy clothes a size or two larger. When people ask about why your clothes are so baggy just laugh and tell them “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to buy a size down, I’ve gotten so skinny, ha ha ha!”. Take care not to trip over your baggy pants, or you’ll fulfill that resolution to smash your face on the ground. Pretty terrible resolution, honestly.
Exercise More
This is a popular one, especially with the ingrained guilt that comes with feasting over the holidays. You’re devouring at a minimum, 43 lbs of potatoes, 7 hams, 2 turkeys, and a bathtub of gravy and stuffing, of course you think you should exercise.
The beauty of this “resolution” are it’s two prongs of success; lack of resources and flexible definitions.
January and February are often the worst months for any gym goer. Every gym is packed with people hoping to start a new habit for the new year. Long time gym rats are annoyed by the influx of temporary gym goers, or “gym mice” as I am coining now, TM. Thus, a lack of availability allows you to tell friends “I’ve been trying to get to the gym, but it’s packed when I’m not working!” When they ask about March through the rest of the year, throw a smoke bomb and vanish in the confusion.
For the flexible definition, when you say “more exercise” you can win without really trying. You just have to see exercise all around you. Walking to your car? That’s cardio. Lifting the six pack of beer? Dead lifting. Sneezing works out, like, 5-12 muscles at once, probably. Go ahead and name an activity, I’ll wait.
Yep, that’s an excellent example, good job reader!
Get More Sleep
This one is a little tricky. We can’t be sleeping more, there’s so much TV to watch! The key component here is a video game system that can load a life simulation game. Stardew Valley, any of The Sims games, even Grand Theft Auto 5 might have a sleep mechanic.
What you do is make yourself in the simulation games, and let your digital avatar sleep away the days. If you want to track how often they sleep that gives you a hard number to show your friends when they point out the bags under your eyes and how pale you’ve gotten. Your sleep deprived health can’t argue with the numbers!
You can also have fun with renaming things! If you call hamburgers “sleep” and measure each sandwich as an “hour” then you can eat a bag full of delicious, greasy burgers and tell people "I got eight hours of sleep last night"! I’m going to start playing Pokemon again and call Pokemon “Sleep” so people will wonder what I mean when I tell them “I almost caught a Sleep, but I accidentally knocked it out. Then I oassed out form lack of sleep.”
Shout Down Success
If you’re feeling like none of these are working, first off that is absolutely your fault. I’m nailing this, it may be my best work, and you can’t change my mind about it.
THAT is how you pivot to people bragging (talking about) their resolution success (some bullshit). You have to claim to be doing much better than you actually are, and degrade their successes. If this sounds familiar that’s because EVERY politician does it!
I obviously don’t mean literally every politician does this, there are a few good eggs. But there’s far too many pulling grade school tactics to run the country, right? OK, soapbox over.
Whoop, fell off the soapbox and banged my elbow.
This tactic operates on the line from the Pixar film The Incredibles; “If everyone is super, then no one is.” that is to say “If no one succeeds at their resolutions, then we all succeed.” It’s gross misuse of the quote’s meaning, but what are we doing here if not a satire resolution article??
You’re Welcome
Take these handy tips in the fresh new hell we’re collectively going into. Keep your friends close, and throw your enemies into a volcano. Hey, you met your resolution to travel more! No one lives near a volcano, congrats on the travel!
Hell yeah... Nice job fucking with toxic diet culture!!!