The Fast Food Mascots for my Non-Existent Fast Food Restaurant.

I dunno man, we'll see what this is.

Photo by Yusuf Evli on Unsplash

I was going through my Notes app trying to find something I thought about but never pursued and came across the title above. Weclome to the glamorous world of writing folks! Some days you eat cold Chinese food while scrolling your phone and figure “yeah, that seems fun.”

I’m going to go over these in the order I wrote them. All the note has is the name. I’ll be figuring these all out “in real time” for myself. Maybe I’ll write like a pitch to an existing company, I dunno, I’m pretty exhausted.

The Skruggler

Obviously a take on The Hamburglar, but I’m not sure what a Skruggler IS. I imagine it’s one who skruggles, or does the act of skruggling. Off the top of my head I figure they do something that’s a combination of skulking and sliding around on their feet and hands, like a bad guy in a 1950’s musical who is also werewolf.

Oh, the musical thread is key to this character. Whenever The Skruggler appears, you hear heavy cello and thumping tomdrums from all around the restaurant. We’ll install a bunch of speakers in every restaurant to really heighten the horror that is The Skruggler. I almost forgot, The Skruggler is absolutely an antagonistic monster.

What do they look like? I’m thinking a combination of the Babadook with the Grim Reaper from The Seventh Seal. Long black robe, face as white as snow with sunken eyes, bony, gnarled hands that grasp with fury and desperation. The sound that emanates from the toothless maw is a reedy, raspy voice that demands the “crispy potato fingers” from the children and “bubbling sugar water” from the adults. When confronted with the Skruggler, kids and parents alike should shout down the eldritch horror that emerged from the grease trap.

Oh, The Skruggler lives in the grease trap. They are why your food taste good AND you’ll get a bit of Skruggler in every meal. This is why you must remain pure of heart, lest The Skruggler devours your meal.

The Happy Hoppy Twins

In stark contrast to The Skruggler, the Happy Hoppy Twins are a pair of cherubic youthful rabbits that serve as the face of the kid’s line of meals. Kids can enjoy smaller portions, healthy food options like carrot sticks and apple slices, and choose who gives them a toy; Happy, the purple rabbit or Hoppy the gray hare.

Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

Picture one as purple. I don’t know how to use Photoshop, so use your imagination.

Happy offers classic child toy fare. You could get a Lego set that mirrors whatever big children’s movie is in theaters, an action figure of one of the mascots (never the Skruggler), a Zine to promote reading, something nice. These often have a splash of violet to reflect Happy’s happy presence.

Hoppy offers more, what some would call, “unusual” prizes. Like a Bowie knife, or nunchucks, also in a stern gray that reflects Hoppy’s color. For a short time, while supplies are available, kids can choose Hoppy option and get an 18th century cannon to haul home. It’s historical, and still functions as a cannon! Hoppy even provided instructions on how to operate the cannon. Next month Hoppy offers actual cannon balls used to siege port towns.

Funky Franklin the Meat Man

Ok, clearly a musical mascot, Funky Franklin promotes whatever meat is available (burger, chicken, even impossible meat to stay current) and is also made of that very meat. Formed from raw hamburger meat, chicken cutlets, and eyes of vegan friendly options, Franklin writes and plays all the funky fresh jams my restaurants will play.

Franklin has nothing to do with The Skruggler’s dire theme song. When The Skruggler appears Franklin and his band, The Meat People, take a smoke break in the children’s play area. There they recount “the good old days” when they were doing every drug known and getting into incredible amounts of trouble. If you’re lucky, Franklin might have enough “cough syrup” from his tarnished flask and tell you how he angered a witch that made him a living human shaped stack of meat.

You can find Funky Franklin and The Meat People Collective on Spotify, Apple Music, and on the cassettes they sell out the back of Franklin’s van that he also lives out of.

Bill from HR

As you can imagine, these mascots are going to cause A LOT of trouble for the company, and myself. I also wanted a mascot for the adults, hence Bill from HR. Adults deserve mascots, it’s not just for kids anymore!

What does Bill look like? Picture a guy. Boom, that’s Bill, always dressed appropriately in business attire and a sensible briefcase. To avoid any and all lawsuits, Bill is a robot with no discerning features. Bill will double as the legal team when Hoppy’s Kiddie Meal Toy (tm) causes some actual damage. Or when The Skruggler inevitably goes too far, Bill steps in and scolds the mascot and offers a settlement deal so I don’t get sued into oblivion.

Bill kind of sucks, but my lawyers are making me incorporate him. So anyway, see Bill, sitting at the table right next to the restroom, reading a John Grisham novel.

Grabso the Hot Dog Thief

I mentioned how I didn’t do any planning before, and this is proof. I forgot it said hot dog in the name until I read the note a second time.

Hopefully the restaurant sells hot dogs, because that’s what Grabso grabs. I imagine he’s purple, mostly arms and hands, maybe sneakers so he can run off with hot dogs. I’m picturing a hairless version of Art from Monsters University. The “fun” thing about Grabso is his short fuse.He has a temper if he’s stopped he gets really defensive and starts yelling at the patrons. Put down that Grisham novel, Bill from HR, Grabso’s at it again!

Just imagine this with NO hair. Also Grabso is constantly scowling.

Grabso makes meal time a game, where you have to either hide your hot dogs, or eat them super fast before he comes stomping by. Oh, he stomps around upset because he’s hungover and missed breakfast by like, two minutes, so he’s in a bad mood to start.

Grabso is going to be the main face Ronald McDonald, The Pep Boys, and Trix Rabbit rolled into one. An unidentifiable creature, but also verbose and in most of the commercials. That way people know what to expect when he starts grabbing their hot dogs, or their purses, or at their jackets. He’s overall unpleasant, and probably a shoplifter.

We Made It!

Oh thank goodness, the article is done. What a crazy restaurant team! I think I took inspiration from 80’s fast food mascots and an episode of Smiling Friends where the mascots are alive and actively insane. Plus Grabso is fun to say. It’s too bad no one will let these awful, awful characters anywhere near food. Guess I should open a restaurant and employ these nightmares.