So You've Become a Cartoon

You poor, animated fool.

It happens to the best of us. It also mostly happens to the worst of us, which you probably are, since you’re a cartoon now. Way to screw up, you doofus. Well, there’s nothing to be done about that now, let’s figure out how to deal with it. Good thing you’re reading this article.

How it Happened

I’m sure you know what you did, but I’m not psychic so I’ll take a few guesses at what happened. Don’t answer I can’t hear you, even if you pull out a cartoon telephone, it won’t have service. If you found a genie in a lamp and made a wish to be a cartoon, that’s on you. Pretty silly waste of a wish, plus now we got genies floating around and granting the wrong people’s wishes.

Maybe you were cursed by a rubber hose witch. If so, what did you do to make her angry? Witches don’t just throw curses around for no reason. You probably wronged her in some way, by insulting her or stealing her poison apple that witches always carry around. They need that poison apple for emotional support.

Rubber hose is a style of animation created in the 1920’s in New York. Imagine that, New York City! You can’t go there now becuase they’ll mistake you for one of those Times Square mascots.

What’s Different Now

You’ll notice your physiology is wildly different than when you were a standard person. The first thing to note is your bones are no longer bones, but rather a semi fluid, trapped within the not-quite hardened shell of your skin. That’s why you’re all wobbly and move like a living waterbed.*

*Gross

Your eyes are much more expressive, probably larger to make it easier for viewers-I mean other people-to tell what emotion you’re feeling. Sorry it doesn’t translate into better vision; maybe with practice you can make them into bincoluars and you s=can see me from a distance, shaking my head and judging you. Dummy.

You also should have a pocket connecting to Hammerspace. It’ll take getting used to, but once you’ve got it handled you’ll get plenty of use out of it. Just pretend it’s a purse or backpack that no one can see, you can pull literally anything out of it. Knowing you, you’ll probably screw it up and it’ll malfunction into a black hole someday.

Hammerspace is the extradimensional storage space cartoons can pull from to reveal things like anvils, cars, and a backup set of wings like the Vulture did in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse.

What to Be Aware Of

First off, gravity is going to work differently for you. You’re not going to float into space but you’re going to be walking off of solid surfaces, across the air for a several steps, then falling in two parts; first the lower half drops, stretching you out, then your top half after a one liner or you pull a sign from hammerspace. just keep aware of the ground at all times and you’ll (probably) be ok.

Pain will also operate differently. You physiology is stretchier, so you’ll be getting delayed hits and moving in new ways when you’re hurt. Stubbing your toe will make the toe expand 1000 times its size and throb to a beat, comically breaking out of your shoe. Getting hit by a car means you’re flattened with a tire tread on you and you’ll need air to expand to your typical shape. If you lean on a stove, it’s going to be on and you’re going to pan sear your hand for a few seconds. If you turned the stove off and lean on it then an iron will land on you.

If you see someone you find attractive, you will have to fight the urge to howl like a wolf and keep your eyes from bugging out three to four feet frkm your skulll as you hover in midair and pant heavily. If it’s rude to stare, then it’s harassment to do all that stuff. Don’t be gross.

It’s Absolutely Your Fault

I’m not victim blaming here, but it takes concentrated effort to get turned into a living cartoon, and it’s always a bad idea. Have you seen Space Jam 2? I have not, but I understand it’s terrible. That’s not the problem here. The problem is you making bad genie wishes or bothering nice (evil) witches.

Just accept you’re different now and try to live you life as you would if you weren’t a giant animated weirdo.

Why Am I Being So Mean?

I don’t mean to be so negative, but it’s annoying. I’ve basically been a cartoon character my entire life. I make random noises while doing household chores, I have a deep appreciation for animation of all styles, I even had a Hammerspace pocket I had to get closed when I got my appendix removed.*

*This might be a lie.

So, I don’t know, maybe I’m just lashing out because I never had a handy guide to help me through my cartoonification. Maybe I’m mad because you’re a dummy. What I do know for certain, you don’t have to worry about Count Doom, Christopher Lloyd’s character from Who Framed Roger Rabbit coming after you. Not because he’s fictional, but because he’s dead. From the dip. He straight up melted.

That’s all I got, have fun you bouncy freak, watch out for anvils.