Should you eat these foods during a D&D session?
The answers will not surprise you.
(This post is inspired by the D&D podcast “Not Another D&D Podcast” where they had to lay a ruling regarding a player eating an entire rotisserie chicken while playing. It made me laugh and then write this0
There are few things you need to play Dungeons & Dragons. You need a pencil, your character sheet, a set of dice, and snacks. A session of D&D can be boiled down to hanging out with friends and snacking. Most people prefer a crunchy chip, or some salty pretzels, even a tasty cookie. But have we considered what would be a forbidden food to eat while playing D&D? Let me give you the rundown on what you should not be eating at the table.
An entire rotisserie chicken
This is insane. The idea of eating an ENTIRE CHICKEN over the course of one session is 100% heroic and mad. Firstly, if you’re going to eat an entire meal then share with the group. The heart of food at game day is sharing the snacks. The vibes would be shattered if you housed an entire pizza without sharing any while everyone else is munching on chips.
There’s also the amount of cooked bird you’re ingesting. Eating the equivalent of a family meal will overwhelm your system and you will absolutely fall asleep during the session. Now you’re asleep and coated in chicken grease. Oh yeah, let’s not forget that chicken is greasy, and where does that grease go before you suck it off your nasty little gremlin fingers? YOUR DICE. How many natural 20’s you think you’re going to roll when your dice are are slip sliding around the grease coated table? They’ll ricochet off the DM screen and roll under the couch, coating themselves in cat hair. Don’t eat an entire rotisserie chicken at D&D.
Ribs
We all love ribs. Ribs are delicious. America loves ribs so much that McDonalds made the unholy horror known as The McRib. But ribs don’t belong at D&D sessions. They belong on picnic tables, kitchen counters, and the top cover of my bed. Why the top cover? That’s so I don’t get barbecue sauce on the pillows. Don’t worry about how I’m living my life, that’s not why we’re here.
Anyway, ribs don’t belong at the D&D table. I can hear you pitching me on dry rub and I’ll continue to ignore you. Even dry rub ribs require constant cleaning of your “dice throwers” which is what I call fingers. I call them dice throwers because I think I’m cool. You also have to consider the smell of this delightful meat delivery system. How can Selena describe her Monk’s training montage when the stench of seasoned meat is embedding itself into the narrative? Don’t eat this at the table, it’s so gross.
Loose yogurt
I’m not a big fan of yogurt, but I do understand its appeal. Gut health, healthy snack, all key phrases I tune out while I eat an entire bag of Takis. But Takis are a perfect D&D snack, so why are you bringing yogurt that’s just in your jacket pocket? Did you have a plan to contain this wet, sharp smelling, berry filled treat beyond your personal clothing? We’re all devastated by the loss of the Go-Gurt brand, the cool way to transport yogurt, but you can currently buy yogurt in a sealed container. It even comes with a spoon!
That being said you also shouldn’t bring contained yogurt. Like the dinosaurs from the Jurassic Park franchise, the yogurt’s escape is only a matter of when, not if. You can bring yogurt in any capacity if your favorite thing about D&D isn’t the jokes or story telling, but rinsing thick dairy product off your minis and dice. Stop bringing yogurt to my house!
Your own dice
It’s disheartening to see this hobby I’ve grown so fond of being attacked by maniacs who think the key tool to the game of Dungeons & Dragons is a tasty treat. Stop eating your dice. I know they look like candy and smell like Cheetos, but that’s because bright colors are fun and I spilled the Cheeto bag on the table again. Don’t eat your dice.
I understand the appeal of wanting to eat your dice. I truly do, I get it. You rolled to attack the troll and when you picked the dice up it was covered in chicken grease, barbecue sauce, and strawberry yogurt. The flavor combination could be the best collection of flavors you’ve ever tasted. The only way to find out is to crunch down on your twenty-sided die. let me help you out. Don’t eat your dice, for your health and the party’s sanity.