Screw it, I'm making my own Zodiac signs
How hard can it be?
Let me be clear. I am not knocking astrology and horrorscopes. I think it’s fascinating and can tell you a lot about the person. Not by their sign, but by how fervently they follow the meaning behind someone’s Zodiac.
Since I don’t understand anything about astrology, but I play and run a lot of D&D and PathFinder games, I feel confident I can whip up a usable pantheon of signs that vaguely describe a person based on when they were born. So of course I created a whole zodiac based on what I like in a coffee shop in under twenty minutes.
I’m keeping the dates the same because that’s too much math for me to figure out.
Spider-Man
Mar 21-April-19
You have heroic tendencies, yet also regular person struggles at the cost of personal relationships. You also wear tights pretty often and have been bitten by a spider irradiated by gamma rays but somehow didn’t get super sick. You probably yearn for the skies and crack a lot of jokes. If you live in New York, you win the zodiac!
Tim Robinson in the Hotdog Costume from the skecth show “I think you should leave.”
Apr 20-May 20
You’re an agent of chaos, but for good (mostly). You enjoy costumes and driving themed cars, occasionally driving into menswear shops. With a heart for justice (hidden within a hot dog costume) you want to find out who did this. Not a lot of people understand you, but the ones that do quote you all the time to their friends. Also this sketch is great, you should watch it.
Any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
May 21-Jun 20
Lucky you! You get 4 for 1. Technically from any era since I never specified so you could be a turtle from the 80’s, the latest version where they’re literally teens, even the video games if you wanted. With a personality that can be a leader, rude but cool, doing machines, or a party dude, you contain multitudes and eat pizza exclusively. Also you have a hard shell. That’s not a metaphor.
The Electricity Gremlin from Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Jun 21-Jul 22
You exist thanks to Warner Bros offering an incredible amount of money to a creative person. You feel most comfortable with the latest in technology, up to the point that you go inside the power lines and get into wacky hi-jinks. Found family means a lot to you, though you probably come from a big family that turned into gross eggs.
A Pumpkin Spice Latte with caramel drizzle
Jul 23-Aug 22
Some would call you basic, but you understand that you’re a person who is in touch with the seasons. Specifically fall. You also enjoy a little splash of fun! Who cares that you don’t taste like a pumpkin, everyone knows “pumpkin spice” is just cinnamon, nutmeg, and something else but Blake didn’t feel like looking it up. Probably vanilla?
Lex Luthor as played by Michael Rosenbaum in Smallville
Aug 23-Sep 22
I actually never watched the show. I’ve heard good things and I know Rosenbaum has a podcast. That’s cool. He also voiced The Flash in the Justice League cartoon, but that’s for a different zodiac. You’re probably good but have aspirations to lose your hair and hate human looking aliens named Kal-El.
Mario Mario
Sep 23-Oct 22
You plumb. I guess you also sound like either a cartoon Italian man or Chris Pratt. You’re a hard worker who also plays hard, dipping your toes into go-kart racing, tennis, baseball, soccer, and the Olympics. You also overalls well.
Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop
Oct 23-Nov 21
You know exactly what you want and you’ll walk through anyone to get it. While you typically work alone (less split of the rewards that way) you like the found family you’ve become part of. You occasionally feel displaced from time. That’s because you were frozen for like, a thousand years.
Uhhh…The Popcorn from “Let’s all go to the Lobby” ad for films.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Your courage is your defining feature. In the face of an audience hungry for entertainment you instead push the overpriced snacks in the movie theater lobby. Others look to you for guidance, no matter how stale and greasy you feel. You’re at your best when just popped.
I dunno, Stephen King?
Dec 22-Jan 19
Your brain scares the shit out of me. You’re a dedicated worker who won’t take any guff from anyone. Also you had a hand in making Maximum Overdrive. What a fun movie. Not a good movie, it’s fun. And very, very bad. But fun!
Shoot this zodiac thing is harder than I thought.
Tiana from “The Princess and the Frog” but only when she’s a frog?
Jan 20-Feb 18
She was a frog for a lot of that movie, and I think she learned a lesson? So you’ll…you’ll have to change for a little bit so you can learn to not have a solid goal in mind? Yeah, don’t hyper focus so much and hang out with alligators that play trumpet. Just hop (hah!) from the lily pad of unwavering focus to the swamp log of…uh, ummm…jazz music? Sure that works. I have one left? Ugh.
Pisces
Feb 19-Mar 20
I give up. Keep this one. No notes, leaving it as is. I’m mentally exhausted and don’t want to work on this anymore. You’re like two fish I guess, and according to Google you’re affectionate, empathetic, and artistic. Huh, I wonder if I’m more Pisces than Taurus. Wait, I’m the Hotdog Guy in this zodiac??