Practical Advice for a Kaiju Attack
Backed by "research" (watching Godzilla movies)
We have drills for everything. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, every terrible tragedy we have to face in this world we’ve concocted a drill so we could be prepared. But we don’t have one for the inevitable kaiju attack. That’s why I’m here to save the day.
Stay calm
In my “research” I’ve noticed many people in kaiju events have similar reactions. Everyone panics, says the monster’s name, then runs. Or they stare in disbelief while the monster knocks over a building, then they run. There may be a third thing but I can’t think of it right now and I need to publish this article.
You can save time and yourself by going straight to the running. Stopping to point and exclaim what is happening increases your chance of “Squished by Lizard Foot” by 45%. You also may get the kaiju’s attention, which will increase the chance of being squished by lizard foot to 100%. So stop screaming, take a breath, and be aware of your surroundings. Then get the hell out of there.
Befriend the monster.
As Mothra and King Kong have taught us, we can be friends with the monsters. While this is a tricky strategy, if we get them on our good side, maybe they won’t smash and/or eat us. You have countless methods to achieve this, but I suggest singing a song to the monster, something gentle with a low BPM. Or you can be or procure a precocious child, monsters LOVE precocious children. It’s a real Beauty and the Beast scenario.
You’ll know you’ve won the monster over when they make a move to pick you up or ackowledge you in a way that isn’t eating you or blasting you with atomic breath. You may think they’re cool when they see you, pause, and continue walking but you’re wrong. They’re on their way to smash more buildings and maybe fight a robot version of themselves. Like with traffic lights, wait for a clear signal before assuming friendship.
Ignore scientists (unless one is opposing the others)
I know saying “ignore science”sounds like a red flag but in this case it’s a green flag. This flag is so green it’s going to blow your minds! In nearly every kaiju movie a group of scientists, usually backed by the military, give bad advice for handling the monsters. As a result the monster smashes more buildings and occasionally the scientists. It’s the one lone scientist (Matthew Broderick in 98’s Godzilla, Charlie Day in Pacific Rim) who has the right idea and helps save the day.
In a real life kaiju event, you need to watch the news for updats. Like with regular news you need to filter for what is accurate and not backed by capitalism or the military. Look for the voice in science that wants to put the monster to sleep, or is simply saying anything different from the consensus of “hit it with every bomb because America”. Be wary of weirdos, as I’m sure a couple of “scientists” will claim weird experiemtns will defeat the monster. Like making out with the kaiju. That’s a weird plan. They may be right, but let’s make that Plan C…or Z maybe.
Form a Voltron or a Megazord type mech
Odds are if there’s a kaiju attack, you’ll have access to a massive robot that’s powered by friendship or plutonium or something similar. Just do the choreography to get into the big robot, then start punching! If you’re not familiar with the controls, ask someone who’s driven the robot before, or look for instructions. They usually stash them in the glove box.
When in the giant robot, you’ll want to save the largest and strongest attack for last. It’s tempting to break out the Hyper Lightbeam Sword from the start, but you need to wear the kaiju down first. Alternatively, let the kaiju beat you up and fall into a false sense of security. Then you Mega Burning Slash Blast and save the day!
Become the monster
I don’t know if the movies do this, but the anime Attack on Titan has a major plot point where one of the protagonists transforms into the giant humanoids called Titans. Then he haymakers the other Titans in the face and it’s awesome. Like he punches the shit out of the Titans, it’s so cool. I don’t know what happens after that I only watched the first season, which means I don’t know why the character transforms into a Titan.
If you need tips on how to become a kaiju, I’m guessing a heavy meat diet would help, or anything with protein since growing big has to burn calories. Oh, eat lots of bread too, or maybe rice. You could also probably transform into a kaiju by getting blasted with radiation. Or chugging a soda filled with pop rocks. Honestly I would say to Google it, I’m sure someone on YouTube has a whole series of “How to Kaiju”.
In Conclusion…
…if you see these tips at your place of work as required training, let me know so they can pay me fore my hard work. Sure that hard work only took forty minutes of typing while Godzilla movie clips played in the background. But it’s still work, sort of! Happy Kaijuing!