"If You Verb a Noun another Noun" Collection
Shout out to Laura Numeroff and Felicia Bond
I thought this would be funny. Hopefully it is! Read “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” to see the inspiration. Or don’t read it and be terribly confused for this entire article.
If you give a player a D20.
If you give a player a D20, they’re going to roll a skill check.
They will roll a skill check and probably succeed because they maximized their stats.
Since they succeeded in that check the Dungeon Master (DM) will have to make up some wild reason the big bad guy perishes in the fight.
If the big bad guy perishes this early, the adventure doesn’t have a primary villain.
Since the DM doesn’t have a villain idea, he will turn to Reddit.
If the DM is on Reddit, he’ll go to bed later than he should.
Since the DM went to bed later than he should, he’s sleep deprived.
Since the DM is sleep deprived, he’ll drink several caffeinated drinks in one sitting.
Now the DM is wired at the next session he’ll be more suggestible and will do what the players ask.
If the players ask for a dice, he’ll give a player a D20.
If you give a Blake a Burrito
If you give a Blake a burrito, he’ll want sauce.
Since Blake can’t eat a meal without spilling food, he will spill the sauce on his shirt.
If Blake spills sauce on his shirt, he’ll want to use your washing machine.
Now fully distracted, Blake will suggest watching Hot Fuzz, the Edgar Wright & Simon Pegg take on action movies set in a sleepy town.
If you let Blake watch Hot Fuzz he will tell you about all of the trivia he’s absorbed over the years about both this movie and action movies as a whole, including how the Blu Ray of this movie had Edgar Wright’s high school film project which is a stripped down version of Hot Fuzz.
Seriously Hot Fuzz is so good, and it’s not even Blake’s favorite Edgar Wright movie, that would be The World’s End due to the themes of accepting that you’re growing up and and have to leave behind certain aspects of your life, but also the fight scenes are so good while the drunk acting is on point and oh the laundry’s done?
If the laundry is finished Blake will ask for a burrito to celebrate this minor accomplishment.
If Blake asks for a burrito just tell him to go home. He won’t want to impose because he was raised right.
If you give a Mogwai some chicken.
If you give a Mogwai some chicken, it will eat the chicken happily.
If the chicken was eaten after midnight local time, the Mogwai will produce additional Mogwais.
Since the new Mogwais are adversarial, you’ll need to keep them inside and away from water.
If you’re familiar with the movie Gremlins, you know that Blake messed up the order and water gets spilled on the Mogwais, which produces more Mogwais.
Since Blake prides himself on weird movie trivia, he’s really embarrassed by getting that wrong.
If Blake gets some trivia wrong, he’ll continue the post like he never slipped up.
If you put a Gremlin in a microwave, it will explode. It explodes because Joe Dante knows what audiences want.
If you let audiences dictate what movies get made, the studio will green light Gremlins 2: The New Batch.
Since Gremlins 2: The New Batch exists, anyone reading this will have to remember how insane the gremlins were in that movie.
Key and Peele did a sketch just naming all the new gremlins, and I had to rewatch the movie to ensure they’re actually in it. It’s such a weird movie, Hulk Hogan is in it, the building is state of the art technology, so most of the movies takes place in the building.
If you watch Gremlins 2: The New Batch you’ll remember Phoebe Cates was in movies for a little bit.
If you read this far into the article, you see how Blake’s brain sort of functions. But for real, this is an actual gremlin from Gremlins 2: The New Batch.
If you give a writer with a sense of humor a subscribe, he’ll make more fun content to read and share!