I know exactly how to combat this winter season.

If only I could get rid of my unwanted house guest.

The winter of 2024 is nearly upon us. Out here in the Pacific Northwest it already feels like King Winter showed up and crashed on our couch with no hard plan to leave and he’s eating all of my Cheez-Its.

Everyone on the internet will tell you to take Vitamin D pills, wash your hands, keep tissues to blow your nose, and get your flu shots. While these are all excellent tips and you should do them, they’re ultimately meaningless.

That’s right, to truly combat winter, you must are yourself with mythic weaponry and face down the fiend yourself. But before you run off to the mountain whose peaks stab the clouds above, stop. That’s a rookie mistake, you idiot. First you’ll need the proper training and tools. To be clear, none of this is a metaphor, I’m saying you’ll have to battle King Winter in hand to hand combat. Because he’s in my home, at this moment.

Training

Now we all know the gods from Mount Olympus are real. They’re as real as the earth is a tube shape, but don’t worry about that, I’ll tackle it later. I don’t know what Greece is like this time of year, but I can tell you right now you don’t need to go to Greece to train. The best training, year round, is in Florida.

That’s right, Gator wrestling in Florida is how you train to defeat King Winter, who is now wearing my pants. Again, not a metaphor, he’s claiming “squatter’s rights” and keeps going through my wardrobe. This guy sucks.

Getting back to the training, Gators make for good training because they have ranges from Easy mode to Hard mode. Crocodiles only have Hard and Extreme modes, bad for training, you’ll get eaten. But Gators let you work your way up, just go to any Gator Farm or performance Gator Show.

I don’t know how closely related the Gator is to the Alligator, but I assume it’s a North American variant, like how raccoons only exist in North America. It’s why you’ll only find Gators in Florida.

Fighting a concept of a season takes cardio, I bet. You’ll want to start jogging everywhere. Literally everywhere. If you’re not jogging in place while in line at the bank, the King of Winter, after drinking all of my beers, will kick your ass. He’s got that weird mental state of being buzzed where he’s more effective, but if you can outlast him, with cardio, you can topple him.

Tolls

Dammit, I meant to write Tools but now I can’t change it.

Anyway, the TOOLS you’ll need to battle King Winter and his army of snow bros who he keeps inviting in without telling me, are varied and actually metaphorical.

A sword of Sun

This could be an actual sword forged from the endless heat of the sun, or it could be a sock full of batteries you left out in the sun. The purpose of having a weapon of the Sun is to use the warmth and light to battle the cold winds and heavy rain King Winter utilizes. How does one find a weapon like this? Stop interrupting and I’ll tell you.

Sometimes a woman living in a lake bestows the weapon. You can also undergo some trials and earn it, like in that Disney documentary, Hercules. I just walk around my neighborhood (King Winter locked me out of my home) and look for anything bathed in a shaft of golden light. So far I’ve come across enchanted boots, the holy grail from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and a damp loveseat that might look good in my place. If I can get back in.

A shield of Light

While “Light” could refer to many things in mythology, it’s most likely a mirror. I play a lot of Legend of Zelda games, and most of the time it’s a mirror shield. There’s a whole moth boss you have to battle in Tears of the Kingdom that utilizes light and mirror shields. It’s a great game…what was I talking about? oh yeah, light.

In case it’s NOT a mirror shield (it totally is) think about what makes light. Maybe you find a shirt made of lit candles. Maybe you meet Judith Light, the actress who played Angela Bower in the sitcom “Who’s the Boss?”. I don’t know, keep an open mind.

I haven’t found the tolls -dammit, tools- to defeat my unwanted housemate, but you surely will!

The Showdown

I have to go, the King Of Winter unlocked my Nintendo Switch and keeps deleting my game save files. Just remember the key points.

-wield a sword of Sun
-harness the power of Light
-get your flu shots and updated Covid shots
-wear a mask if you feel under the weather but have to go out
-seriously, do not let King Winter talk you into hanging out, he’s the worst house guest I’ve ever had
-keep your head up

As for the battle with King Winter, please take it outside. Partly so you don’t break my stuff, and mostly so I can lock him out of my home and take my space back.

Hopefully you stay warm this winter season, and send that mooching jerk back to wherever he came from. The Midwest I assume, I hear it’s super cold there.