I Guess the Plots of the Sony "Spider-Man Villains" movies we never got.

Boy do I have opinions.

Sony Pictures was working on a series of films about characters within the world of Spider-Man. We got films about Eddie Brock and his symbiote suit, Venom, Madam Web’s origins, Morbius the Living Vampire, and Kraven the Hunter. To no one’s surprise they were generally panned and lost Sony enough money that they gave up trying to make a no Spider-Man Spider-Man universe.

Here's a random blog that talks about them giving up.

The face of the guy that had 1/2 of 1 good movie out of 3.

Now Sony has sent me into nerd rages over their handling of the Spider-Man character over the past 10 years, longer if you include Spider-Man 3, and I do. This anger is due to their over ambitious plans and fundamental ignorance of the characters. Why is Eddie Brock a bumbling weirdo? Madam Web doesn’t seem to care about anything, which is cool for a key character in Spider-Man mythos. Morbius…even if they didn’t cast Jared Leto I wouldn’t have watched it.

But this post isn’t about the movies that been covered on the hit podcast The Flophouse. This post is what I assume Sony was going to do if they continued this path of bullshittery (tm). I’m qualified to do this, as I’m a lifelong Spider-Man fan, and I’ve absorbed most of the stories in their various media. if anything I’m over qualified.

Doctor Octopus

Let’s start with the good doctor, shall we? Portrayed brilliantly by Alfred Molina in live action, and across animation and comic books and video games, Doc Ock is a brilliant and tragic figure who gains his greatest weapon in a science experiment gone wrong. Doc Ock is a complex character with delusions of grandeur but a brilliant mind to back up most of the claims he makes.

I bet Sony would have made him make love to an octopus.

I guarantee Sony saw “My Octopus Teacher” and thought “Let’s have Otto Octavius be a marine biologist and get freaky with an octopus and then the arms are sticky real octopus arms”. I’m getting mad just typing that.

Sony probably would have gotten the part where an experiment goes wrong, but would have written it terribly, with clunky, blatant dialogue that leaves nothing for the viewer to interpret. Oh man, they would rip off The Fly somehow, brag about how “body horror” the movie is, then pull back to PG-13 and have a CGI mess on screen.

There would prbably also be a running gag where people refer to him as “Mr.” and he’s constantly correcting them because he’s a Dr. and it’s a stupid joke Sony probably loves.

Mysterio

Quentin Beck, Hollywood special effects artist, was stuck in his place in Hollywood and grew frustrated. Being a brilliant tech illusionist Beck used the name “Mysterio” and took up a life of crime that, if he was a better improviser in the moment, would make him a legend. Spider-Man has a “spider sense” like clairvoyance that allows him to avoid danger, and Mysterio gets around that. That’s impressive, most villains can’t do that.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe gave us a great take on Mysterio with Jake Gyllenhaal as a disgruntled Stark employee utilizing a team of artists, writers, and weaponized drones with holographic capabilities to ruin Iron Man’s reputation and battle young Spider-Man in Europe.

I bet Sony would have made him a Criss Angel magician with actual powers.

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*For the reader, I had to go punch my mirror when I wrote that. This sucks.*

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First I bet Sony would have made Quentin his middle name, giving him some lame ass name like Joseph or Homer or Blake (hah, Blake Beck) and made him a struggling magician with the stage name Mysterio. In a quest to become a better magician he’s given an ancient text that holds the secrets of ancient gods, but for legal purposes they won’t name Cthulu.

Ugh, they would make it Chtulu.

So he would get powers, spend the whole movie mastering them, and battling, I don’t know, otherworldly forces they have to overwork CGI artists to animate. And he’s probably gonna wear some stupid head piece, and someone will offer his classic fishbowl and he’ll say some crap like “C’mon man, this isn’t a comic book.”

I’m so glad Sony’s bailing on this universe.

Big Wheel

This is an actual character, and he drives around in a big wheel. That’s his whole schtick, and they would ruin it by keeping him from his wheel until the very last shot of the movie, or maybe the 3rd act climax.

Look at this trash can of a character. I love him so much.

God Sony sucks.

Scorpion

So we got a peek at a character who is a classic Spider-Man villain in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Mac Gargan , one of the thugs caught in the ferry scene, is traditionally the Scorpion. In the comics Gargan’s Scorpion is a brute thug with an enhanced exosuit outfitted with a prehensile tail that shoots poison, or energy blasts, or slashes with a scythe blade, whatever writer wants to see at the time. He was a thug hired by J.Jonah Jameson to capture Spider-Man and Gargan remains a semi tragic loser in the comics.

I bet Sony would have made him a nerdy entomologist with a focus on scorpions, that transforms like a werewolf.

They would have had Gargan get bit or stung or some crap, then mad science would mutate him into a scorpion/man monster thing. He would rampage, learn a elsson, then have to fight another guy with a different bug power. Probably spiders, god I hate this. Then his shell would molt and it would be all green and shit and he’d say something like “I hate spiders.” and squash one as the final shot in the film.

Then, then! Then I bet the mid credits scene would be Sony’s crappy version of J. Jonah Jameson seeing Gargan on the news and being vague about how “a scorpion is just what I need for pest control” or some crap like that.

Why I’m mad

Sony wanted to make a Spider-Man without Spider-Man villains universe, as evidenced when they had Morbius meet the MCU’s Vulture, Adrian Toomes (Micheal Keaton) and they would have…I guess…teamed up to, I guess, do bigger crimes?

But the thing in the comics is the Sinister Six, a team of six Spider-man villains who couldn’t defeat him on their own, team up specifically to TAKE OUT SPIDER-MAN. It’s the key reason they exist.

It’s been frustrating to see failed attempt after failed attempt at movies that shouldn’t exist yet because they don’t have a set Spider-Man. What sucks is Amazing Spider-Man 2 was bad, but they could have brought back Andrew Garfield for these spider villain movies. It would have made so much sense, and they just…didn’t.

At least we have the animated Spider-verse movies.

Yeah the last one ends on a cliffhanger, the future is uncertain for the 3rd one, but damn those animated movies are so good.