I could win in a fight with a Roomba
I've seen Terminator enough times to know all the moves.
Roomba is a novel device. You set it up and it putters around your house, cleaning as it goes. It’s like my dad when he has one too many coffees. It’s fun to customize, it makes your life easier, and it’s fun to say. Say it out loud, right now, “Rooooombaaaa!”
Anyway, I could win in a fight with one. 7 out of 10 times I’m winning that fight. But battles aren’t won on bravado alone. You have to study your foe, learn it’s strengths and weaknesses, learn to work with what they give you. So I’ve perused a few websites and watched clips of Roombas on TV. here are my strategies to defeating a Roomba.
I can walk up stairs
Sorry to brag so early in the article, but it’s one of the main advantages I have over the Roomba. Maybe it has the advantage on freshly cleaned carpet and slick hardwood while I’m wearing socks and I either get static shocked or slip and fall on my butt like one of the Three Stooges, but I can ascend AND descend stairs at a whim.
There are a handful of strategies I can emply with the stairs. It can be a war of attrition, like the Russians and pretty much everyone who invaded them. Napoleon, probably? I’ll simply walk up or down a few stairs and wait for the Roomba to tire itself out. Conversely I can trick it to going over the top stair and unleash the most elegant of traps; falling down the stairs.
I’ll buy shin guards
I’ve seen the videos of weaponized Roombas. Souless automatons rolling and carving up victims unfortunate enough to be in their warpath. The glistening blades affixed to their inhuman bodies, truly a horrifying sight to behold as a mortal on this ill-designed plane of existence. If you’re not aware, I’m refering to a Roomba With a Knife Taped to It. (Blake: find a way to copyright that and make like 300 dollars.)
I apologize if the footage was too much for you, dear reader. I place it on the same level of distressing as any of the Terminator movies. Or the video of that MIT robot dog getting kicked around.
But I’ve prepared for this eventuality in roboting engineering. I will purchase shin guards in the adult male size to combat the enhaced weaponry the enemy brandishes. If they catch me from the back? Well, ask Achilles how that went.
I’ll crush it with a big rock
As simple as that. I’ll find a big rock, hold it over my head, wait for the Roomba to get close, then drop the rock on it. Boom, done.
I’ll hold off on adopting a pet
I want to rescue a cat and a dog, maybe two of each someday. I love animals and would appreciate the companionship. Plus they’re like children but less mouthy. Except for my last cat George, he was always back sassing me despite weighiong only five pounds total.
But I can’t bring any possible defectors into my home while the war rages. What do I mean by “defectors”? Check the footage.
That’s right, the beast become the riders of the plastic and metal, beast, that…I lost the thread there.. It’s a partnership forged from…I don’t know what it’s forged from, but I don’t like my chances with my cat riding my opponent into battle against me.
Maybe I just don’t buy a Roomba
I’ll be transparent reader; I havent’ actually looked up anything about Roombas except for the videos I shared. So I decided to check the actual website for statistics and saw how much they cost.
700 dollars for a disc that cleans your house??
Don’t you know a broom and dustpan cost, like 15 bucks, tops? Hell, an extra 40-60 and you got a vaccum you can use. Who the hell is spending that money on a device that can’t even beat a 41-year old man in one-on-one combat?
I’m not saying I’m unskilled, but I thought “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu was a book of noodle recipes and how operate wisely in the kitchen. Y’all gotta update your priorities, that’s…damn, that’s crazy. I just won’t buy one. There, war won.
How Could it Defeat me?
Now, in the interest of equality on the battlefield, I’ll list a few ways a Roomba could take me down. I have to insist that you don’t use these on me when you see me in the wild. Don’t be a jerk.
My elbow has been bothering me lately, the Roomba could exploit that.
I’m easily distracted and would probably forget it’s in the house. I have a major “out of sight, our of mind” brain.
I can’t handle rich foods like I used to. If the Roomba got me to eat a big, greasy hamburger it would out me down for an afternoon.
I like not wearing shoes; it could drop a big rock on my foot. Oh no….
Don’t buy me a Roomba
If you take away nothing else from this article, take away this; DO. NOT. BUY. ME. A. ROOMBA. I clearly don’t want one. After this inflammatory article they’ll be gunning for me. And after they bump into every other wall in the house and get stuck on the couch skirt, they’ll come get me.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go read every sci-fi “rob ots rise up” book for…research.