How to be the Worst Person in the Parking Lot
I'm only a little furious as I write this.
The American parking lot. No other space in our fractured, decaying country poses more threats per minute, per square foot, per person. There is a lot to dislike about driving, and most of it comes from interacting with parking lots. This article isn’t going to help you establish dominance, but it can do something even worse. Enough of my beautiful prose, let’s get to how you can be the worst person in a parking lot.
Walk in the center of the drive lanes
You know how roads are for cars and sidewalks are for people? Or the ditch is for people with donkeys in more rural areas? Turns out you can walk wherever you want in the parking lot! You could walk as close to parked cars to give driving cars space to navigate but do something useful? The key is to inconvenience as many people as possible, and the best way to hit that maximum limit is by walking in the exact center of the parking lot lanes.
Will you need a measuring implement to determine if you’re actually in the center of the driving lanes? Not at all! Just get approximately equal distance from any parked car and start walking as slowly as you can. You’ll know you’ve nailed it when you hear honking and drivers yelling. Way to go, you’re terrible!
Sit in the car with reverse lights on, but never leave
Someone arrives to pick up groceries to feed their gross family. They see a car with the white reverse lights on. They stop and wait…and wait…and wait…until they get upset and speed away. Now there’s less time to get groceries before picking up Skylar from Hockey/Soccer/Cello practice. I don’t know what children do besides stare at iPads and eat chicken nuggets.
To do this right, you’ll want to be seen walking to your car with the telltale signs of leaving. Keys in hand, purposeful walking, bags from where ever you shopped in the other hand. If possible give off a display, like a peacock in mating season. When you get to your car start it immediately, to give the impression that you’re going to leave soon. When you throw the car into reverse, that is when you take some time for yourself. Check your social media, call your family, start a slow cooker chili recipe, whatever you want because that time is yours. Never mind that there are more people than spaces and the person waiting on you also has a life, cook that car chili, girl!
Leave shopping carts out like it’s an 90’s era Nickelodeon Game Show
We all know the cart racks are a suggestion. It’s like giving to the donation plate at church; it’s fully optional, and God hates you if you don’t do it. After all, employees are underpaid to put carts back, even in awful weather conditions and where cars are roaring around and spraying exhaust or creeping silent with their electric power.
This is a skill that’s easy to learn, and difficult to master. The first thing you’ll want to do is move it as little as possible while still giving yourself space to pull out of the parking space. This makes the perfect spot directly behind the car next to you! Once you’ve mastered this jerk tactic, go for the the aimless push. To do that you just let the cart go wherever it wants. With the janky wheels on shopping carts that cart will go wherever it’s cart heart desires. Now it’s like a Pixar movie that makes other's’ lives worse!
Wave me on when you have the right of way
The standard rule is that pedestrians have the right of way except for specific exceptions. These exceptions include highways, car washes, and monster truck arenas. Trust me, they hate it when you try to run in front of a roaring monster truck as a joke. But we’ll dig into my best Valentines Day another time.
Drivers and pedestrians are different creatures. The transformation only takes seconds, and sometimes it’s a surprise to everyone involved. All that changed was a car door opening and shutting. You change from the brain of a 3,000 pound death machine to a person with three kids clinging to your back like you’re a mama possum. So do the best thing for everyone, and assure the car goes by with a hearty wave. If you want to sell this as hard as possible you’ll want get a look of indignation on your face while waving them through. You get bonus points if the car cannot physically go and you keep waving it through.
So there you go. All the tools you’ll need to be the worst person in the parking lot. If you’re wondering what you win for this coveted title, it’s nothing. You win nothing but the derision of everyone around you. Congrats!