Here's how to be the Worst Game Master

This article is a piece of fiction. If you think I actually condone this behavior then you should look up the word "satire".

(Photo by Timur Romanov on Unsplash)

Thanks to the popularity of Dungeons & Dragons there is no shortage of advice on how to be a better Game Master. There are millions - perhaps even billions - of words regarding handling player friction, creating story ideas, how to improvise the unexpected things your party will say, and so on until the heat death of the universe. Well I’m looking to stand out, so I’m going to give the worst advice. Just full dog crap suggestions that would get me beat up if I did these at the table.

Thanks to the Game Masters with Dungeons & Flagons PDX for the suggestions. If you want a GREAT GM and single session adventures in the Portland Oregon area, check out their events! Click the link below to check out their events!

D&F PDX

Always make fun of your players’ choices

The players are children and don’t understand how to make good choices. That’s why it’s your job as the Game Master to ridicule their decisions until they do better. If a player puts on a character voice, mock them by repeating what they say in a nasally tone. If a player pitches an approach to a puzzle you don’t like, ask them if they even graduated kindergarten. Don’t forget to make personal attack to drive home the emotional abuse.

Play with asymmetric rules. Enforce rules for players that you violate

Again, D&D is about WINNING. The best way to beat those snot brained troglodytes we call players is by enforcing rules for them while you ignore those rules. Get the restrictions on them so you can soar above the rules. For example, make the players roll dice in front of everyone and let the table see their results to enforce honesty. But you should mnever roll out in the open. What if you need to lie about the number?

Nat 20’s still occasionally fail

If life can be cruel and unfair, why can’t you? One of the great traditions of D&D is when you roll a 20 on the 20 sided dice your character succeeds in spectacular fashion. We’re not doing that anymore. The player has to EARN that massive success. It’s especially important to ignore the Natural 20 if it kills a monster you worked hard to put together. I don’t care if the cleric’s Natural 20 counted in an earlier turn, it doesn’t count for this roll.

Constantly say “my players are ruining my campaign” (and mean it)

When you wrote out this story line and built this world you had a vision. A glorious vision of adventure and wonder. Make sure those mouth breathers know they’re screwing it up by stating loudly “my players are ruining my campaign” frequently. Pretend to take a phone call during the game and shout into the phone while making hard eye contact.

Have multiple tabs open on your laptop that you pop between when you’re not running NPCs so you can keep up with socials and ebay bids.

The players can roleplay with themselves, no one else is going to help you score the winning bid on that nearly real replica of Galdalf’s staff. It’s not my fault everyone scheduled the game for my “bidding war time”. They should be taking notes anyway, I did my part.

Don’t ever give the GM warning of “are you sure you want to do that?”

The saying “fuck around and find out” exists for a reason. If I make one thing clear with this post, it’s that the game of Dungeons & Dragons is a competition, the GM vs the Party. And you’re not going to defeat the party if you warn them of dangerous moves in the story. They should have read the same books as you so they know how dangerous a hungry dragon is. Not my problem.

Get mad when your players kill off a bad guy much faster than you anticipated and make it their problem instead of rewarding them for executing tactics well.

The players already have so much going for them. They’re teamed up against you, they have examples of insane character builds from actual play D&D shows, and they probably have cooked dice. Why shouldn’t you get mad that they slaughtered your final boss within five minutes? It’s not that they worked together as a team and had a clever tactic to win, it’s that they probably cheated. Yeah, that’s it, those cheaters.

Veto cool things from player backstories because that’s not how your world works

I crafted a world packed with fantasy and epic adventures, I don’t want you playing a normie who figured out how to wield a sword. You want magic to come from within your wizard? No, magic exists in the air, not within anyone, obviously. A player asks if their human ranger can be raised by dwarves, so I throw a handful of dice at them and shriek in tongues to make them leave.

That should cover the absolute worst things to do as a GM. If you implement these, you’ll be all alone in no time, guaranteed! Than you can resume sitting alone in a dark house with no players to bother you. A fate worse than death to be certain.