Goblins Are Here: What to Do About It
From "The Weekly Monster: A Guide to the Mysterious in Plunkett, Virginia." e-zine.
This week for “Stuff Blake Does” I’m highlighting the next generation of online writers. I’d like to signal boost Artie Bartholomew Crumb’s online zine, “The Weekly Monster”. To support Artie pick up his physical zine in Plunkett, VA, or donate to his Patreon.
Hello true believers , this is Artie Crumb once again here to open your eyes to the TRUTH of our little town, nay, of the WORLD. Plunkett is home to many transplants from across our great nation, but some transplants come from realms beyond your meager imaginations.
I’m speaking, of course, of GOBLINS.
No, not the kind in my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game. No, not the army in Lord of the Rings either. Ignore whatever fairy tales tell you because goblins are here, and they are capitalists.
What is a Goblin?
But first we’ll have to go over what exactly is a goblin. The answer is not as simple as you might think. “Artie, goblins are little creatures that cause mischief” is a naive way to look at this collection of fantastical creatures. We’ll need to go back to the beginning of Plunkett.
Plunkett was founded by Irish settlers forced from larger cities. These immigrants brought the tales of the mischievous pooka with them across the sea and along the East coast and the stories circulated amongst the new settlement. Pooka are known for playing benign tricks on humans. The way we listen to podcasts or read books the pooka would play and delight in harmless pranks. As the settlement of Plunkett grew into a township and a proper city, the stories of pooka morphed into general trickster spirits. So to all those commenters on my blog saying “goblins are just pooka” I am saying flat out that you are incorrect and anyone who continues to harass my blog will be banned.
I will now break down how to spot the sort of goblin that you might come across in Plunkett proper.
Goblin Taxonomy
Goblins tend to have skin tones ranging from greenish-gray to grayish-green. They stand at three feet tall, typically skinny bodies with dexterous hands, feet larger than expected for their small frame, and flexible ears that reflect their mood.
If you find yourself face to face with a goblin in the wild, here are some tips to reading their moods and knowing what to do.
Up: attentive, alert, not aggressive. Or maybe it means they’re ready to attack.
Down and back along the scalp: suspicious, or maybe scared, I haven’t seen this too often. Or at all, honestly.
When the tips curl forward over the ear: maybe curious, or super attentive.
The following image is an approximation of what a goblin may look like.
Where Goblins Are
One uninformed of the creature that is the Goblin would assume they live in the forests and underground. You couldn’t be further from the truth! Like I said earlier, they are capitalists, which is how I tracked them to the following locations.
7/11
The guy that runs the 7/11 on highway 60 and route 240? He’s a goblin using some sort of powerful magic to disguise himself. When you think about it, who even likes running a 7/11? No human would ever willingly run a convenience store. And he always wears the same clothes every time I’ve gone in for Red Bull and hot fries. Why does this creature from a world beyond want to stock energy drinks and cigarettes? The mystery continues.
The Junkett
I’m fairly certain many live in Junkett, the city’s green junkyard. Think about it, how does “Skeeter” keep that place so organized and clean for a junkyard? It’s simple really; he has an army of Goblins working for goods and services like the true capitalists they are. I know a guy who knows a guy who says they saw records stating that “Skeeter” was the only employee of The Junkett.
Dino Acres*
Local stoner and self proclaimed “Party Dude” Party Dave has insisted I include Dino Acres as a place Goblins could be. Remember dear reader, if you donate to “The Weekly Monster” publications on Patreon you too can have your voice heard. It is not buying my opinion, it’s giving a voice to the regular citizens of Plunkett! Party dave also wanted me to tell everyone that he “definitely doesn’t sell drugs” on the fourth hole at Disc Golftopia. This is Artie Crumb disavowing any illegal activity of my donating readership.
Hey broski, it’s Party Dave, from Disc Golftopia? I’m like, pretty sure -unintelligible- those dinosaurs WALK bro. Anyway, head over to the fourth hole to -unintelligble- Party Dave out!
*I want it on the record that I don’t believe any goblins live on the dino acres lot as they would be too scared of the dinosaur plaster statues. But the customer’s voice should be amplified. Even if they’re wrong.
Why are Goblins here?
No one really knows why goblins have come to our boring, sleepy, stupid little town of Plunkett. Maybe they want to cohabit peacefully. Maybe they want to eat our pets, like the noble Chupacabra (check in next month for my exposé on the infamous “goat drinker”) but I think they’re here for reasons beyond our understanding.
Yes dear reader, I do almost always say strange creatures’ reasoning is beyond our understanding, but that’s because it’s true. Every. Single. Time. We’re simple folk who can’t comprehend the thinking of other realm creatures. That’s why I have to bring the truth to the masses.
Make sure to check my next zine where I have proof of a secret organization in Plunkett working to fight off monsters from the shadows. Pick up the next issue to read about the Coalition of Supernatural Investigators.
Until next time, dear reader. Artie Bartholomew Crumb, signing off.
Party Dave is an extremely reliable source… of information! Not drugs. Definitely not drugs.