Could I Survive Jurassic Park?
Where I overestimate my survival instinct.
I love movies. I love the comfort of the structure, the characters, the set pieces, it’s a magic I hope to never lose. I also enjoy wondering how I would fare in the movies I watch. If I utilize my minor in Film Studies and ignore my poor diet and lack of exercise I imagine I’d do pretty well in most action movies. Of the many films I’ve watched over my lifetime, I’ve seen most of the Jurassic Park and some of the Jurassic World films. With this knowledge I can safely say I could survive the original Jurassic Park.
Ancillary dinosaurs
When I say “ancillary” I’m referring to the general dinosaur cast. The long necks (brontosaurus) the flappy spitty guy (dilophosaurus) and the ostrich looking ones that ran at Dr. Grant and those kids (gallimimus). I could survive these three pretty easily. The brontosaurus is slow moving and doesn’t eat meat. I would have to avoid its nose so I don’t get sneezed on, but I’m not afraid to get messy; I’ve ran two Tough Mudders with minimal training. I was very sore afterwards.
The gallimimus would be a small struggle since I don’t know much about bird migration patterns and the movie mentions that bird stuff. I have watched The Lion King a few times and the gallimimus are essentially wildebeests, so I’ll just let my evil brother named Scar take over my kingdom, problem solved. No need to drop me into the stampeding horde.
The dilophosaurus is going to be a tough one. I doubt they’ll be cool with me just holding my hand out to sniff like you do with a dog. I definitely won’t leave my jeep doors open while I slide down a muddy ditch so that’s a step towards victory. To be frank, I don’t really like being around chickens that much, and this guy seems like a big, mean chicken. So I can say with confidence I could handle this one by simply ignoring it and driving away. Like I do with most of my problems in life!
The Tyrannosaurus Rex
I understand this is an apex predator. I know the T-Rex outranks other apex predators like lions. Or tigers. Or bears. But I’m part of the greatest apex predator group known as humans! The way humans evolved was to adopt a long term strategy for hunting. No sprinting and short bursts of activity, just steady movement until the prey gets tired. I could apply this in the opposite direction and tire the T-Rex out. I’ve done it before by binging the Dark Knight Trilogy over a weekend, though that might have just been a movie marathon and not a survival tactic.
Hypothetically I’m in one of those jeeps the heroes were in during that freak rainstorm when the T-Rex escaped. I’m watching my cup of water, I’m being quirky yet handsome like Jeff Goldblum. Then the stomping begins. I start by not turning my flashlight on, an expert level move. As the T-Rex sniffs around my jeep and being a general menace, I simply meditate, keep quiet, and think like tofu would. I focus my meditation and become the tofu. This is working on the assumption that the T-Rex is not a fan of tofu. In case that doesn’t work I have a lawyer to send into a bathroom to get eaten. While that happens I’ll calmly and carefully walk away in a low visibility jacket so I can blend in with the foliage. I don’t know if you know this, but the T-Rex’s vision is based on movement, probably.
From there I walk calmly and carefully to the parking lot, where I call an Uber and take my leave of this stupid island. T-Rex defeated!
Velociraptors
This might be a tough one. The raptors are the villains, the antagonists of the film from the first scene. It’s stated these velociraptors are clever girls, and one of my weaknesses are smart women. Maybe not related, but just wanted to let everyone know my type. Also brunettes. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, murder chickens, aka the noble raptor.
My key to survival here is staying out of the jungle. Jurassic Park raptors know the jungle like the Toronto Raptors know the basketball court. I need to keep out of the foliage and off the jeep trail. But where can I go on this island to keep safe from these deadly pack predators? My second favorite place in any home; the kitchen. In case you were curious my first favorite place is the bathroom.
As you see in the possibly a documentary, Jurassic Park, the kids evade the raptors in the industrial kitchen. I’m far smarter than those kids, and could probably trick a raptor with mirror tricks and throwing cookware around. I don’t want to get too mean, but I bet the raptors can’t even find the measuring cups. They’re always ordering Door Dash instead of learning to make the dishes. In the wild I don’t like my chances unless I befriend the T-Rex. I’m not sure If I can convince the T-Rex to attack the raptors for me. Maybe I’ll bring some cheese to bribe the T-Rex with, like a dog. T-Rex is basically a dog, right? Also do dinosaurs prefer provolone or cheddar?
Conclusion
As I was writing this article it struck me that there is one foolproof move to survive Jurassic Park. Dr. Hammond approaches me all chummy and with his awesome white suit and cane to extend an invite to witness living dinosaurs in person. When he does this I will reply with a firm but polite “No thank you.”
It would be tough for this scenario to play out naturally. There’s no social circles where we would cross paths. I don’t work in the paleontology field and he doesn’t strike me as a big D&D player. That’s why I’m more suspicious of this old stranger. I’m not going to some island you claim is filled with dinosaurs, that’s how people get murder case podcasts made about them.