Alternative Things to Drink Out Of
It's a comprehensive list I refuse to change.
We all drink stuff. Water. Wine. Beer. Orange juice. Vodka. Whiskey. Milk. More Whiskey. The blood of our enemies. Water to wash that out. Whiskey again. I dozed off (passed out) where are we?
So you like to drink liquids, we covered that, move one! But what if all your standard glasses are in the dishwasher? No pint glasses, or juice glasses, or even wine glasses available! (coffee mugs don’t exist in this scenario) What a horrible problem we all deal with constantly because I, I mean ‘we’, can’t be bothered to clean anything because I, again I mean ‘we’, are too busy reading Gremlin fan fiction where Gizmo gets a job in local government.
So what’s the solution? I put together a pretty good list of drinking container subsitutes. Not to brag but, I pretty much nailed it.
A Shoe
Now hear me out. Apparently in the 1920’s you would display decadence by drinking champagne out of a lady’s slipper. Slippers are shoes, therefore it’s not so crazy to drink out of your shoe. If shoes can hold feet then they can hold water. Which is weird because pint glasses hold water but not my feet. Get the government on fixing that!
Now I know you’re so excited that you’re going to pull your shoe right off your foot and get gulping, but wait! Don’t go crazy with this and drink out of a shoe you wore all day. That’s a cursed flavor you don’t have to subject yourself to. Just buy a shoe that is meant to only be drunk out of. We’re all adults here, we can afford a drinking shoe. Get over yourself.
The Sink
It’s as easy as 1-2-3! 1: Plug your sink closed. 2: Turn on the water. 3: Wait for a sinkful of quaffable water! This can be a wasteful practice if you’re a quitter. Just drink the entire sink empty in the interest of water conservation. Even if you don’t drink the entire sink’s worth of water you can leave it and come back. Just think of it as a race between your stomach and anything that falls into the sink, like a bug, or a worn shoe.
Fun fact: well a fact, I don’t know how fun it is, a standard fact, but you can also fill a bathroom sink with water. Most people don’t know that for some reason, and it’s concerning that I’m the one to tell you. But the fill time should be shorter, and it’ll have a slight minty taste as long as you’re brushing your teeth regularly.
Bucket
Yes, buckets can hold solids, and I have an entire restaurant chain idea that revolves around buckets. But that’s a different post for a day when Blake has no better ideas to write about. Buckets are also amazing at holding drinkable liquids! They even come with a handle (usually) which means you can carry it to the store, just walkin’ and sippin’!
Buckets are often used for other purposes than holding potable liquids. Growing up, most buckets I encountered were filled with concrete dust, or drywall stuff, or paint. Depsite how determined you are, none of these are drinkable. Shocking I know. So, I guess watch out for buckets full of construction material?
Your Own Hands
This is a poetic choice for beverage container. It also helps you focus and really appreciate every drop you get, since some people are bad at making hand bowls. You could do that thing I see in movies where they use one hand and drink frantically, splashing everywhere. I think that’s for dramatic effect and to show the character is in Dire Straits. Sorry, “dire straights”, was listening to Sultans of Swing this morning.
The key drawback is it limits what you can easily drink. Soda, hot coffee, molten lava are all less-than-ideal choices for drinking out of your cupped hands. You also need to be careful that you don’t give in to the poetry of the moment and splash your face like you’re in a moisturizer commercial. Best liquids for your hands are clean river water, spring water, and dirty river water.
A Cardboard Box
We’re all adults, which means we’ve all refrained from throwing out a box because, and I quote, “It’s a really good box!” Well, that box’s purpose has been revealed! You’re gonna pour your drink in that dusty box and gulp down whatever you poured into it. Yes, that’s a sticker in the corner, ignore it and chug! Ah, refreshing!
Now, a box will have the same drawback as the bucket. The size will determine how thirsty you really are. Keep in mind that if you leave the drink out while you do anything else that cardboard’s gonna drink it up for you. And now your box is hydrated while you suffer. Also there’s water all over the floor.
The Skull of your Fallen Foes
I know, I know, you were saving that skull for when you wanted to intimdate your enemies. You’ve got your throne made out of axes, you’re lounging, they’re held in chains, and you the a long sip form the skull and now have a hot chocolate mustache. pretty scary, right? Well get over it and use that skull, it holds drinks great I assume.
The biggest issue here is that you’re gonna have to find the damn thing. No one displays the skulls of your fallen enemies, it’s rude in today’s society. So you’ll have to dig through all your closets and drawers until you realize you’re not an 11th century warlord. Or it’s also in the dishwasher, like mine.
A Hose
There’s something about the taste of water from a hose that makes you feel heartier, stronger, and like it’s summer every day. Hose drinkin’ is tough during the winter, but if you can get your grass stained hands on a hose that’s been in the shade anytime in the summer you’re golden, baby. That cool but not cold, quick but not fast flow, and you don’t have to wash it, so you’ll never put it in the dishwasher.
The key issue you’ll run into is who even has a hose anymore? maybe you’re freinds with the owner of a landscaping company and they can help you out, but depending on the season they’ll be using the hose for work, you thirsty layabout!
Well, my dishwasher just dinged, so it’s done. I’m going to drink out of my normal glasses because I’m an adult who can focus on his tasks and be productive. Now to answer the question; what will I drink out of my freshly cleaned skull?